Maintaining Joy During Difficult Conversations
“The world is on fire.”
It’s a phrase I’ve been encountering (and using) often. At this point, we’ve almost resorted to this phrase as a replacement for our standard greetings.
“How are you, Chantias?” “Ehh the world’s on fire”.
It feels more authentic than that vapid “I’m okay, how are you?”. Because we’re not okay. We are leading through a moment that refuses to stabilize.
Somewhere between urgency and exhaustion, many of us are struggling to find our footing.
On one hand, some of us are circling the drain, consumed by the constant churn of “unprecedented” incidents, shifting strategies with each new headline, overwhelming ourselves and our teams with reactive pivots.
And on the other hand, some of us are completely avoidant– playing the “wait it out” game. Believing that if we just hold out things will go away. Or that it’s not appropriate to discuss in the workplace. Or that we don’t have the power to do anything.
Or we’re picking certain challenges to address, but don’t have a clear rationale for what doesn’t get addressed (and it unintentionally creates confusion or harm in the process).
And let’s be honest– these aren’t just challenges that we’re getting to observe and address from the outside. Some of us are having to build grantmaking strategies and program plans for issues that are directly affecting us and our communities. That adds such a significant additional heaviness to these necessary conversations.
In the philanthropy sector, we’re in the business of caring about people, and the sociopolitical climate that we operate in is core to that. There’s no strategic impact without understanding the context and constraints we’re working in. So the avoidant response isn’t tenable.
And likewise, the obsessive approach isn’t viable- for the people-centered priority, for our well-being, for longer-term strategic impact.
So, as many of us have had to tell our parents nowadays, “cut the news off and go touch some grass.”
But we have to have the conversations. There has to be a sustainable medium, where we’re acknowledging and addressing what’s happening, with the sense of urgency and sensitivity that it deserves, but also with stability rather than consuming reactive overwhelm.
Think of a difficult conversation you’ve had to have recently… Maybe it’s a grantee application decline, or a tough feedback conversation for a teammate, or a courageous conversation about how your organization is responding to political unrest. These moments often carry heavy emotions and complex dynamics. And you’re feeling it too, yet feel like you have to hold a level balance of sensitivity and steadiness.
This is the work that wasn’t in the job description, but work that needs to be done well.
And this is where joy comes in.
Joy can be present in these moments. Joy isn’t always about ease or lightness or happy feelings. Joy can come from doing hard things thoughtfully. It can come from alignment, from integrity, and from pride for your team and your contributions.
In the midst of challenging times, we can still have joy. And if you’re nervous to have some of these conversations but know you need to, here are some ways to maintain joy while keeping the integrity of the discussion central:
Get in touch with emotions.Emotional intelligence plays such a vital role in leadership, and especially in philanthropy. Do you know what people are feeling? Do you know what you’re feeling? Do you understand how these emotions are shaping how people show up, and ultimately, shaping the work itself?
You may not be a psychologist but if you care about a people-centered team, creating a psychologically safe space to express and acknowledge emotions is important. However, this is often done in ways that are ineffective, or even harmful:
Facilitators open people up and then quickly move on without resolution, or deep care. If you invite vulnerability, you need to ensure you have a container to hold and resolve it responsibly.
Leaders use what’s shared in extractive ways, to make nefarious decisions, remove agency from teammates, or to discuss strategy shifts based on what was shared. It’s exploitative and disingenuous to create a space for sharing and vulnerability and then use what was learned for other purposes. If input in an emotionally-charged conversation will shape strategy, be transparent about that upfront.
Sessions often avoid the elephant in the room. We bring people together but we don’t name the hardest truths, we skirt around the heavy topics, and we don’t say the real things with care and candor. We limit how far we can progress because we’re avoidant.
Center those most affected. I can’t tell you the amount of times I have seen leaders center themselves in discussing social issues or public tragedies that don’t explicitly affect them. Meanwhile, those in closest proximity often are having to stay unwavering, or worse, having to comfort the crying leader who has centered their feelings over progress for the entire group.
Yes, my previous point was around prioritizing emotions, but it’s very important to understand how the emotions of those that are privileged have been weaponized historically and consistently, and those most marginalized have to bear the brunt. So if your intention is a safe space for all to reflect, share, and heal, consider power dynamics and group composition.
Consider the messenger. So much progress has stalled because it’s been the right message but wrong messenger. Reckon with the reality that you may not be the right person to hold the space. Whether due to demographic identities, known biases, power dynamics, or recent tensions, there are a variety of reasons it may make more sense for you to pass the mic and let someone else hold the space, especially if you don’t want tangential context to get in the way of progress or if you want to fully participate in the conversation.
Acknowledge the progress. Lifting up the impact we have already made is a strong way to uplift some joy and hope. When we can take a step back and celebrate what we’ve already accomplished it reminds us that progress is being made and we’re contributing to that momentum. And acknowledging collective and individual impact is key. Joy flourishes in acknowledgement and celebration.
Clarify the plan forward. For many, the shock may subside over time, but the heaviness will linger as long as the issue persists. But having a clear aligned plan on what we’re doing moving forward reduces the helplessness, and joy flourishes in alignment and clarity.
Make space to dream.Spend some time reflecting on an ideal world, society, and sector. Get specific and dig into the details. Make the space to sit in those visions, and share them with one another. Create your individual and shared aspirations. This not only builds hope and inspiration, but also gives more clarity on the direction you can go in with your impact and work.
Prioritizing joy mobilizes resistance. It builds stronger teams and stronger cultures. The great thing about joy is it can be uplifted even in difficult times. And building the muscle to cultivate joy in the midst of difficult times is how we build resilience.
So how can you embed more of the balance to difficult conversations? It’s a skill to hold competing complexities in leadership- how are you stretching that muscle?
The goal shouldn’t be to choose between urgency and sustainability, or between honesty and hope. It’s to build the capacity to hold all of it at once.
The leaders who move this work forward aren’t the ones who avoid the tension, or get consumed by it.
They’re the ones who can stay grounded, create clarity, and still make space for empathy, emotions, and integrity.
If you’d like to explore further, PhilanthroJoy is built to balance the complexities. Reach out at info@philanthrojoy.com.
